Was That Rainbow For Me?

This poem comes from chapter 13 from my book, What I Gave to the Fire. Today, I dedicate it to all women who have experienced pregnancy loss. From my heart to yours on Mother's Day.

Was that rainbow for me?

You both were with us so briefly.
I knew your physical existence only through feelings of nausea
and a positive pregnancy test.
I felt your soul’s existence through feelings of uncertainty, mixed with love, hope, and excitement.
I lost the first of you in December 2001
There was turmoil all around our country
And maybe you decided it wasn’t a good time
to come into the world.
I was so sad to lose you.
I drove my car on Brown County roads
Looking for answers,
Feeling so hurt.
Your lessons for me came slowly.
You taught me that I am human
And human things can happen to me, too.
You taught me that it’s okay to be mad at God
And to not like everything that happens here on earth.
I lost the second of you
in October 2004
On the evening of your father’s birthday
With intense, long-lasting labor pains that produced no baby to hold.
You got my attention.
I saw a pattern here.
What am I supposed to learn from this?
Why did this happen again?
Your lessons for me came slowly, too.
You taught me how to create something out of my despair.
To look inside myself for answers,
To seek understanding about my relationship with God,
and how, out of my emptiness, I can create something tangible
by writing my story.
The story is teaching me to honor my own life as I honor yours.
To share my experience with others,
To know that I am not alone,
To believe in things I cannot see.
I had thoughts of you this evening
While driving home on rain-slicked streets.
For the first time I experienced you separately from my grief
And that’s when I looked up at the sky
and saw a small piece of rainbow.

Was that rainbow for me?